As mentioned in previous posts, God has given me a cross which is permanent (unless God sees fit to relieve me of it) and somewhat arduous. Almost everytime I am feeling low, the fact that I bear this cross occurs to me and I always end up asking God the same questions and making the same requests: "God, why did you give me this? Why is it so? Could you please relieve me of it if it is your will?", etc. I had a hard time accepting the facts as they stood. It is here to stay and to be borne by me.
My most recent incident where I was left feeling very low (though on reflection this was an overreaction and probably just due to tiredness) was similar. However, there was one crucial and quite substantial difference. At my lowest point in this dip, I happened to glance at the crucifix on my wall and immediately my mind turned to Calvary, and in particular to the experiences of our most blessed mother as she stood by her son's cross. This wasn't surprising as I have been reflecting a lot on Our Lady of Sorrows this month. At that moment of my own sorrow and sadness, I would normally proceed to ask God why, etc. This time, however, while thinking of the great sufferings of the Lord Jesus and the compassion of Mary, I was filled with enormous gratitude and the only thought that went through my mind was "Thank you God - thank you for letting me share in His suffering and hers. And though I still felt profoundly sad, in my heart I felt overwhelmingly thankful and happy. Not a superficial happiness of ice-cream smiles and buttondrop dimples but of an extreme contentment within my soul. Not one to usually go into such personal things (I've acquired a knee-jerk cynicism to or discomfort of occasions when people express their thoughts and emotions, even when they're often genuine), I couldn't help but be struck by this. For me, I felt that it was an answer to my prayers - yes, I will have to carry it, but even in my deepest sorrow I can recognise and love God, and thank Him too.
No comments:
Post a Comment