Happy Christmas!

Best wishes to you all at Christmas!

Till my heart, Lord

A few days ago I read this piece on Mark Mallett's blog. What Mallett mentions about constantly lacking virtue really hit home. Let's just say, my recidivism rate over the last month or so was very very awful. Even so, when I went to confession, my sorrow and contriteness for my sins was genuine and my thanks to God for his mercy and forgiveness real. Yet shortlived. Much to my great shame, I fell back to my old ways, and all too quickly. I had been wondering why this was the case since my fervour and resolve not to sin again seemed so concrete after going to confession. Mallett, when struggling with the same situation, had an epiphany while adoring the Blessed Sacrament. He realised his heart was rocky, similar to the rock patches on which seeds fall in the Parable of the Sower. When God pours out his grace, those with rocky hearts welcome it with joy and thanks at first, but when a trial or temptation comes along, the root of the seed withers and fades. Clearly, my heart is like this rocky ground on which God's seeds of mercy and love fall. It cannot properly take root and so I fall at the first hurdle.

In considering this, I pondered how my heart could be changed from being rocky to being fertile or rich soil. As always, when seeking an answer, look to Jesus on the cross and ask him in communion and he will provide the answer. It was similar to the answer Mallett received. Works of charity and self-sacrifice are the ploughshares which will dig up the rocky ground and transform it, making it deeper so that roots may go further when seed is planted. Of course, like ploughing a field, this is hard work and can be painful. Yet hopefully when this rocky heart of mine is transformed into a more fertile one, and then worked again and again by the Lord, I may share the love and mercy I have received with others.

I recommend reading the post by Mallett. It reminds us why there is such a great need to live out our faith. It also suggests that the increase in blasphemies in the mainstream media may stem from the inaction and lack of charity of many believers like myself. Lacking charity in action, our hearts harden and become rocky. Christ, whose whole life was the greatest act of charity, bore the stripes of that great love in his body, like it had been tilled all over.

Schneewalzer

Here's a little light music to cheer us up from all this snow...

Enjoy!

A Midsummer Night's Dream - and a Midautumn Night's one too

I'm not really one who discusses dreams a lot but recently and not-so-recently I had very vivid dreams that I can still remember quite clearly. The first, which I had over four or five months ago when I was still in Heidelberg, involved attendance at a TLM. The priest was wearing a golden chasuble and the church was rather white. It very much reminded me of this video and of the St Anna church in Heidelberg, where the TLM was offered twice a month. It was at the offertory part of the mass when suddenly someone burst into the church and started shooting, killing the priest and others. It was so frightening and shocking that I remember waking up.

The second dream occurred back at home, around the end of September or the beginning of October. I was back at my home parish and I was extremely anxious in the dream. At the time I had been pondering and worrying over the issue of reverence for the Blessed Sacrament and receiving communion on the hand. Somehow, in the dream I had zoom vision and could see fragments of the host dropping to the floor all the time. It was extremely distressing, and all the more so due to the fact that no one seemed to care. After mass, I remember going up to the area where the priest stood distributing communion and started carefully picking up the fragments, wondering what to do. Having collected what I could, I remember placing them on the altar as there was nowhere else to put them and starting to shout at people. At this point the dream got ridiculous and it's harder to remember what happened afterwards. This dream also reminded me of a video I had watched on youtube. It shows how tiny fragments of hosts break off so easily when the host is placed in the hand and when hosts are shifted about. I am also reminded of a time when a priest was "decanting" the hosts from one ciborium to another and some hosts fell on the floor. I felt as though I'd been stabbed in the chest when I saw this. How could people, a priest of all people, be so careless! It is moments like this that make me completely 100% convinced that only practice should be communion strictly on the tongue, no exceptions.

I have no idea what these dreams really mean, if they mean anything. Both were memorable because they were disturbing, but for different reasons. The second related to a reality that I had witnessed myself, but the first related to something that happens elsewhere in the world, such as the tragic incident in Baghdad, and possibly to something that may happen to us in the future. Nevertheless, both are important issues for us.

On the lion and the viper He will tread

The sly serpent has been lurking again, trying (and often succeeding) to ensnare me. The fact that this particular one will doggedly follow me until the end of my days is a tough fact to deal with and often it gets me down. Luckily, I have noticed that when I am dragged down, I find myself looking up and seeing Christ there, standing confidently and lovingly, extending his hand to pull me up again. Yet often as soon as I'm up, I forget about him and wander off again to proceed to fall into another ten-foot deep pit. The falls are sore and all I can hope is that I learn from these experiences.
As I said, often the hardest part is knowing that the wicked serpent will be following me all the time, convincing me to take this route and that route, all of which are ultimately roads to perdition. The task I need to learn is to recognise the path Christ shows and follow this path, so that I don't fall down all the pits. Yet the serpent is often so blooming beguiling.
There is a question on this matter that I have wondered about for a while now: do I describe the serpent to others or not? Would it serve any purpose or help me in my wayfaring through life?

Anyway, sorry for the glum post. The antidote is given tomorrow anyway - "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I say, Rejoice! The Lord is near." These words are important and remind me that even when I do fall into pits or go on the wrong path, the Lord is near to help bring me back.

Solemnity, Birthday, Anniversary and Living With Granny

Today is quite a loaded day for me. First of all, it's my sister's birthday. This is something I've always been aware of. Afterwards, I also became aware of the fact that today is also the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception of our dear Mother Mary, one of my favourite feasts of the year. In all honesty, I don't think I could really say why it is one of my favourites but it is. I think it may be to do with the fact that it celebrates something huge - the dawn of the era of grace - and yet at the same time it was such a silent, hidden, gentle and loving act of God. There were no rays of light, no fiery pillars, nothing. Rather like how God was not in the hurricane, nor in the earthquake nor in the fire but in the still small voice, a light murmuring sound when appearing to Elijah. At Mary's conception in her mother's womb, she was gently and lovingly prepared to be the mother of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Today is also the anniversary of a relative's death, which had been very sudden. This relative also happened to be my sister's godfather, which is something I find makes the whole affair more sorrowful. Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May he rest in peace.
On a lighter note, my gran is over to stay for a while due to the continuing horrendous weather. Oh, how I hate snow! Great when you're young but rubbish when you want things done. Anyway, my gran sees her stay as an enormous burden on us all when actually we love it. I can't help but wonder whether this self-deprecation and self-designation as a burden to all by many of our elderly is something that seeps in through society. Our elderly need to realise that they are appreciated and loved not for whether they can do stuff for us, either at home or even to society. They are loved and appreciated for themselves, and we thank them for the work they have already done in their lives. Goodness knows how I hope that I'm treated with respect by the time I'm elderly. Although the Assisted Suicide Bill put forward by Margo Macdonald was scrapped this time, but there's plenty more time for more bills to be put forward before I get to retiring age!

Writing Style

Over the past few weeks, the number of essays and things I've had to write have increased. As a result, I've recently become more and more aware of my writing style. And I hate it. I read other blogs such as Shameless Popery and Seraphic Goes To Scotland, which both have crystal-clear writing styles, and then read my own and think "oh dear, what on earth have you written dear boy?" At first, I couldn't figure out why it was unsatisfactory. After further consideration, I realised what the problem was - I write like a German! My sentences are overly long and rambling with lots of "nested" parts. So now I can work out how to correct it. Any tips are welcome.